A Real Slug Fest

Those of you who know me know that my sister can be ... a trifle obssessive, especially concerning her garden. She devotes a great deal of time to her plantings, and most years it pays off delightfully.

This year, however, we've had a lousy growing season: it's been rainy and chilly by New England standards. Most folks who purchased tomato and potato plants are seeing blight for the first time in many years (the Irish in me shudders at the thought) and flowers are simply not what the usually are. My purchased assorted-flower-pot is dismal and yellow; I drain it daily (!!) but it's simply waterlogged. Everything is late and the only upside is that we had a really long and fabulous asparagus run this year.

One of the side effects off all this moisture is ... slugs. My sister has Declared War in a huge way. If you've never suffered from Varmint Vengeance you simply cannot understand how engulfing it can be (ask me about the raccoon that invaded our home sometime).

Last night we were over and my sister was in full battle mode; I won't describe it except to say that specialty tools were involved, as with any battle. bluch. One the way home, the kids and I were making up looney slug lyrics to songs on the radio. OK, I was doing that and they were groaning and asking me to Please Stop Now. Whenever they started griping I'd sing louder - hah!

Sis, this one's for you:

I've killed the slugs -

Time after time -

I've done my duty

To get rid of slime -

And bad mistakes

I've made a few

I've tried the Orthos and Scotts and the beer-

But I've come through

This is the Slug War - my friends

And I'll keep on fighting - till the end -

This is the Slug War -

This is the Slug War

No time for nematodes

'Cause this is the Slug War – in my yard -

I've tried coffee grounds

And salt by the pound -

You brought me rot and fallen leaves and everything that goes with it -

I put my foot down -

But I’ve got no bed of roses

No Wandering Jews -

I consider it a challenge before the whole of my yard -

And I ain't gonna lose -

This is the Slug War - my friends

And I'll keep on fighting - till the end -

This is the Slug War -

This is the Slug War

No time for nematodes

'Cause this is the Slug War – in my yard -

(with heartfelt apologies to the members of Queen, who were among my early rock idols and who sat near my friend Jen's mother on an airplane when we were twelve and left an indelible impression on all of us)

p.s. - if you are suffering from a mad desire to exact vengeance upon the pests in your yard, I strongly recommend this tool; it's as likely as the others to be effective and the shop owner rocks.